Marcin Gortat vs. 15 Big White Stiffs — Overcoming Mavericks Mediocrity
Is he taking a poop?
***UPDATE*** According to the Orlando Sentinel’s Josh Robbins, the Magic will match the Mavericks‘ offer for Marcin Gortat. Great. Looks like we got Otis-ed, with the quite aptly named Magic GM Otis Smith making Brandon Bass AND Gortat disappear from beneath Mark Cuban’s nose like a puff of smoke. Ah well. At least we still have The List.
Brandon Bass was recently snatched up by the Orlando Magic by way of free-agency. So that sucks. There goes the only player on the team that played with any sort of intensity (read: cajones). The good news: looks as if that makes way for Marcin Gortat to be playing his home games at the AAC next season. Though Orlando still has until later this week to match the $5.854 million offer sheet that the Mavs have given to the Polish Hammer, it’s unlikely that will happen considering that the Magic are already over the league’s luxury tax. Any offer will likely cost them twice of what Dallas would end up paying.
But local fans are understandably apprehensive about accepting another big white stiff into our ranks, considering the long and painful road that class of NBA player has inflicted upon us. It’s going to take a lot of fantastic play to overcome what seems like centuries of piss-poor court time from legendary stinkers like Shawn Bradley. Remember when T-Mac rode ol’ Bradley like a horse? I was in attendance that night and I was sure that McGrady was going to get called out by the animal cruelty zealots. Will we ever be able to recover from a shock like that?
So Mr. Gortat, if you do end up coming to the Mavs this summer, take a reeeal good look at what we offer here. Following is a collection of some of the biggest stiffs who have paved the way for your perceived imminent suckitude in this city. This is going to hurt me a lot more that it’s going to hurt you. Good luck!
Top 15 17 Biggest White Stiffs in Dallas Mavericks History
15. Keith Van Horn 
Invisble in the clutch, Van Horn averaged a career 16 points per game. His only full season with the Mavs yielded a paltry 8.9 PPG and proved to be his swan song in the NBA. Stats.
14. Christian Laettner 
That shot at Duke was lucky. The fact that this guy was a member of the original Dream Team is a tragedy. It’s only fitting that this overrated stiff would end up in a Mavericks uniform. Stats.
13. Austin Croshere 
This guy had a career PER of 14.3, yet he could only muster 10.9 as a Mav. That was his poorest season of his illustrious career. Stats.
12. Raef LaFrentz 
Weak Sauce. This guy is a wimp. And he’s terrible. Mucho facepalm. Stats.
11. Nick Fazekas 
D-League Wonder. What a waste of a draft pick. I think this numberless press photo is a testament to how much the Mavs expected this guy to contribute. Stats.
10. Chris Anstey 
Are you kidding me? Another epic draft day fail. Why would you ever draft an Aussie who only started playing basketball at age 17? And ask the Milwaukee Bucks, you should never put any of your eggs in an Australian basket. It’s bound to have a hole in the bottom. Stats.
9. Cherokee Parks 
Sweet tat, boss. Stats.
8. Tom LaGarde 
He’s the goofy-looking dude on the left. This OG sucky stiff has the honor of being one of the first five Mavericks starters when the team began NBA play in 1980. Stats. Honorable mention to Ralph Drollinger, the dude with the ball. His NBA career consisted of six games for Dallas during that inaugural season. Wait — why did they let him hold the ball, again?
7. Evan Eschmeyer 
Hard to find pics on the Web of this guy on the court. I wonder why. Stats.
6. Eric Montross 
I’ve never seen a more appropriate jersey number in the wide world of sports. Stats.
5. Loren Meyer 
Look, he’s all aglow! I could only find pics of Loren Meyer from his old basketball cards. Judging by his career numbers, he probably coulda used that ladder on the court. Maybe he woulda got more run if he could have found a way to sneak that little prop past the scorer’s table. Brilliant first round draft pick, D-Mavs [golf clap]. Stats.
4. Uwe Blab 
Next pick in the 1985 NBA Draft: Hall of Famer Joe Dumars. Here’s Blab’s stats.
3. Greg Dreiling 
This guy sucked for us in 1993-94. So he went to Cleveland the next season. Then he was out of basketball in 1995-96. So guess who the Mavericks decided to sign for the 1996-97 season? You guessed it. Stats.
2. Pavel Podkolzin 
He’s 7’5″. But it’s not like he’s a Michaelangelo-esque physical specimen. He’s sick. Literally. After withdrawing from the 2003 NBA Draft due to a pituitary disorder, the Mavericks made the woeful decision of picking up Pavel Podkolzin in the following year’s first round. What. The. Fuck. This is also the guy who informed me that it was possible to have a career player efficiency rating less than zero with -2.8. Thank you PP! Stats.
1. Shawn Bradley 
This guy is legendary for his ineptitude. And we gave him an obscene amount of money well north of $50 million. Ouch. Check out this compilation of the Top 10 Dunks on Shawn Bradley. Stats.
What’s with the 17 you ask?
In a move that inspired by the Dave Chappelle Show’s Racial Draft, I’ve decided to add a couple honorary members to the list. I know they aren’t white, but who’s going to claim these guys?
*Wang Zhizhi 
This anomaly was the first Chinese-born NBA player. And he’s seven feet tall. And he’s scared to get anywhere near the basket. I could understand hiring this guy if the Mavericks were a traveling carnival. But, after researching for this article I’m beginning to realize that we kind of are. Stats.
*Erick Dampier 
I don’t think that any Mavericks starter has been the target of more scorn than this man. It’s a wonder that he even made it to the league considering that he is handicapped. Playing a professional sport with no balls, no heart and no hands is actually kind of impressive. Stats.
But Gortat may still have hope.
Check out this gnarly Air Jordan tattoo that he sports on his calf.
So he’s still big, but does this take away any of his white-ness or stiff-ness? I mean Jordan was pretty much the opposite of the type of player that we’ve lambasted today, so I’m gonna say that Jortat might just get a pass on this one. Only time will tell.
Comments
8 Responses to “Marcin Gortat vs. 15 Big White Stiffs — Overcoming Mavericks Mediocrity”
Ouch! Reading this list is almost as painful as admitting I have that same pic of Loren Meyer hanging on my wall to this day.
Really? I got to get my hands on one of those! Loren Meyer FOR LIFE!
1. Keith Van Horn wasn’t all that bad. The dude came up big in the Mavs’ best playoff series, ever: San Antonio Semis, Game 7 with 1.5 minutes left. He was a key contributor throughout that season. And, more importantly, his contract status was used to trade for Kidd. He is, without a doubt, the best PF back up the Mavs have had during the Dirk Years. No complaints about old KVH. (Except his injury-prone body.)
2. How can The Mantis be numero uno on the list when, honestly, he was superior to most everyone on the list? His contracts weren’t that much in comparison to other average to mediocre centers in the league, at that time. So what if he was the perpetual poster boy for getting dunked on. The guy could throw some mean skinny-to-bone elbows, shredding the opponents face. He’s horrible, true; but not as horrible as Evan, Uwe, Antsey, Pavel, Parks, or most everyone on the list. Easiest to make fun of? Yes.
3. Raef was easily the most frustrating of the whole bunch. Underachieved, big time – and never lived up to his potential. Contract whore galore. More so than even Damp or Stackhouse.
Oops. Gortat never to be named to the White Stiff Movement – not in Dallas at least.
@D 1. I agree. But Van Horn really pissed me off one time so I vowed to one day have him on this list. That’s the way it goes.
2. Easiest to make fun of, yes. And his PER is actually one of the highest of any of the guys on this list. But in 200 years nobody’s going to say “Aw man, you got CHRIS ANSTEY-ed” at Space Jam? Nobody. That’s why he’s number one. He will be remembered forever for his “play.”
3. I completely agree. Knowing that a severe torrent of spite was imminent. I intentionally limited myself on this one: Less than 15 words. No more than five words per sentence. Stay calm.
Christian Laettner? I don’t understand why he gets so much disrespect. he was an all star one year. granted he didn’t have the career that justifies the number 3 pick in the draft, but he wasn’t a scrub. “That shot at Duke was lucky.” ? i’m assuming you are talking about the kentucky game…..what about the other 9 shots he made that game?
went 10 for 10 from the field that game and 10 for 10 from the ft line. he had a solid career before he got injured. that said, he was worthless in his time w/ the mavs. but only a real basketball fan would know that he was a good player before he came to dallas. if this guy wasn’t white and went to umass or some other school other than duke, he wouldn’t be so disrespected.
You are correct. He was a good player before he came to Dallas. But no Mavs fans, especially Mavs fans care about that. He came here and was a BWS, fueling the fire for that stereotype in this city. And that’s why he’s on the list.
[...] the Cavaliers and had two non-consecutive stints with the Mavericks and is honored as one of their 15 Big-White-Stiffs. The No-Look Pass also loves these 7-foot tall giants and that’s why we take the time to [...]