The Rev Speaks: Fab Forty
This column arrives a little later than usual, but it was an inordinately busy week in the confessional booth. An eclectic mix of personalities conspired to sabotage any free time I had, all of whom rendered me both nonplussed and depressed. For starters, one of the paragons of the fashion world committed the sin of lust. I readily admit that sartorial savvy is one area about which I know very little; however, even a dilettante like The Rev can quickly realize where Ralph Lauren went horribly wrong. Even though the haunting image of Filippa Hamilton was digitally altered, Mr. Lauren is preaching a most dangerous message. (Our society’s depraved obsession with outward appearance is one of the myriad reasons why I am scared to death of raising a daughter.) The fact this picture was photo shopped only makes the situation worse. In essence, Mr. Lauren is saying it’s not good enough for women to be a skinny size eight. Stop eating and shrink down to become emaciated, size zero ghouls! Granted, this country—and especially right here in the Lone Star State, except at the aberration that is NorthPark Center (the “look at me” headquarters of North Dallas Pretty People) where one either dresses like an understudy to a porn “star” or like a member of a gangster’s entourage—wages a battle of attrition against obesity, but clothing companies are fighting back in a most irresponsible way. You want to know what’s truly sexy, ladies? Self-esteem and Christ-likeness. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God (Ephesians 6.13-17).
Secondly, I was forced to address the sin of pride displayed so egregiously by President Barack Obama. (The Rev’s standard operating procedure never involves discussing politics, but sometimes exceptions are made.) Granted, it wasn’t Obama’s fault that the fools at The Nobel Foundation awarded him their highest honor, but the leader of the free world certainly didn’t do much in the way of apologizing. (In fairness, I would have been equally offended had George W. won the prize, especially after a mere nine months in office, 9/11 or not.) The foundation has in essence insulted truly revolutionary previous winners like Norman Borlaug, a man whose innovations improved the quality of life for untold millions of people. The Rev does not have a problem with sitting presidents winning this prize, but to be awarded the honor largely on campaign promises yet to be delivered is both careless and naïve. Remember the telling words of the Book of Proverbs: Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall (16.18).
Thirdly, there was the distressing news from Calgary that former NHL star and probable Hall of Famer Theoren Fleury was sexually abused for years by his youth hockey coach, Graham James. Sadly, he wasn’t the only teenager victimized by a trusted coach or adviser. I’ve never played hockey—or any sport, for that matter—but I’ve talked to enough people to understand that the world of youth hockey is about as competitive as it comes. Parents will spend countless dollars (the equipment is more expensive than baseball, basketball, and football combined) to secure their sons’ spots on elite club teams. The men in charge of these leagues are made out to be mighty emperors who can do no wrong. While these coaches might actually teach a handful of these callow teenagers what it takes to become the next Great One, they must not be worshiped and followed blindly. After all, they are fallen human beings. You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments (Exodus 20.4-6).
To end the hectic week of sports news, Michael Crabtree at long last came to his senses, realized he wasn’t a magnificent receiver like Michael Irvin, and inked a contract with the 49ers. This issue has been blogged and debated about ad nauseam, so The Rev won’t waste much space with this now antiquated story. I wonder how clueless Crabtree must be—did he learn anything while onboard the Leach Pirate Ship in Lubbock?—to hold out until Week 5 of the NFL season and still accept nearly the same terms San Francisco originally offered. I’ll be careful not to judge since money makes even the most pious man’s knees weak, but I fail to see what you could buy for $40M that you couldn’t for, say, $32M. Another Maybach or ten? I hope Crabtree receives better advice at this next level than he did from his myopic agent, Eugene Parker, and his parasitic advisor, Nine-Toed Deion. (It is not fair to question Fleury’s though process since there’s a big difference in this case: Fleury was an adolescent when he was victimized, and Crabtree is an adult. He presumably knows better than to trust the counsel of men with cavalier—no, not the U of Virginia variety, Arey—ulterior motives.) I’ve watched a lot of Texas Tech football in my day, primarily because both my father and older brother have degrees from Guns Up U, and Dallas’ own Crabtree remains one of the best Red Raiders in recent memory (with apologies to Wes Welker and Kliff Kingsbury). It will be interesting, to say the least, watching his NFL career unfold after such an inauspicious beginning. As King Solomon writes, Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor (Ecclesiastes 7.12).
Speaking of lists . . . because this is supposed to be a sports column, I will now shift my attention to what I call The Fab Forty. In what is a most difficult exercise, I will now present my top ten favorite (read: not necessarily the best) players from the four major sports in Dallas. (With no apologies to FC Dallas, but definitely multiple apologies to the Dallas Sidekicks and the amazingly short-lived MISL. I spent many nights at old Reunion Arena watching the cardiac Kicks battle such classic teams like the Baltimore Blast, Cleveland Crunch, San Diego Sockers, and St. Louis Steamers. When the best goalie GAA of all-time is a shockingly high 4.03, you know this is soccer as it’s meant to be played: fast and furious, with lots of scoring. For the record, my favorite Sidekicks are Tatu “Not the Russian pop duo, but rather the guy who takes his kit off every time he scores and throws it into the adoring crowd,” Doc “Indoor Warrior” Lawson, and Krys “Don’t Call Me Leelee” Sobieski. I still remember their first and only MISL Championship in 1986-87 [Slogan: The Wild Side of Soccer!”] when they defeated the Tacoma Stars four games to three.) But I digress.
One final disclaimer: I only include players whom I saw play. For this reason, many legendary names from the Cowboys’ Ring of Honor (i.e. Hayes, Lilly, and Wright) and venerated Rangers (i.e. Jeff Burroughs and Fergie Jenkins) are left out. Without further ado . . .
DALLAS COWBOYS (years played with team)
1. Troy Aikman, 1989-2000. Eight Ball. Three SBs. Well-spoken and well-groomed analyst on FOX A-Team. Speaks with Musers every Thursday morning. Enough said.
2. Michael Irvin, 1988-1999. The Playmaker. Three SBs. Ultimate competitor. Audio gold. Discovered Jesse Holley on “4th and Long.” Acted like an immoral donkey off the field, but very few athletes are saints.
3. Daryl Johnston, 1989-1999. The Moose. Three SBs. Battering ram. Sacrificed body. Vastly improving FOX broadcaster still partial to all things Cow.
4. Emmitt Smith, 1990-2002. Three SBs. Made of steel. All-time leading rusher in NFL history. Ridiculous “diamond surrounded by trash” comment knocks him down list, as does his inability to form a sentence when employed by ESPN.
5. Jay Novacek, 1990-95. Best TE to play in Irving. Three SBs. Never afraid to absorb a hit across the middle of the field. Shockingly, only 22 TDs as a Cowboy.
6. Darren Woodson, 1992-2003. Best SS in franchise history. Three SBs. Reliable and loyal leader in the locker room.
7. Larry Allen, 1994-2005. Man primarily responsible for keeping Aikman non-concussed.
8. Jason Witten, 2003-present. Best TE in the game, soon to be best TE in Cow history.
9. DeMarcus Ware, 2005-present. Most intimidating and ferocious Cow pass rusher since Charles Haley. And fortunately, a little more reserved. (Can’t link since it’s R-rated, but just Google Haley’s name combined with the book title Boys Will Be Boys and you’ll see.)
10. Kenny Gant, 1990-94. I was a sucker for The Shark Dance.
Dishonorable Mention: Barbie Carpenter, Quincy Carter, Dwayne Goodrich, Chad Hutchinson, Eldorado Owens, Rowdy, Rafael Septien, GM Jerry Jones (he fired Jimmy and hired both Campo and Wade).
DALLAS MAVERICKS (years played with team)
1. Rolando Blackman, 1981-1992. Modeled my FT stroke after his. Sadly, my percentage was much lower than Ro’s stellar .840 rate.
2. Dirk Nowitzki, 1998-present. The Mavs’ version of Jimmy Johnson’s genius “Herschel Walker” trade. Robert “Tractor” Traylor to Milwaukee. Dirk to Dallas. The rest is history. Ironically, would be involved with another Traylor, but Crystal not as favorable to Mavs this time.
3. James Donaldson, 1985-1992. Solid rebounder and stout defender.
4. Steve Nash, 1998-2004. Mark Cuban’s biggest mistake. Now a two-time (although a bit undeserving) MVP. Best PG in club history.
5. Mark Aguirre, 1981-89. Still holds 13 franchise records, including most points in a single season (2,330 in 1983-84).
6. Derek Harper, 1983-1994, 1996-97. Despite the blunder of letting time run out against Lakers in 1984 WCSF, Harp remains one of the best ambassadors of the game.
7. Jason Terry, 2004-present. Incredibly streaky shooter, but when he’s on he’s virtually unstoppable.
8. Michael Finley, 1996-2005. Outstanding captain for many years, but his repeated failures in the clutch ultimately drops him down on this list.
9. Roy Tarpley, 1986-1991, 1994-95. Were it not for the nose candy he could’ve been one of the legends in Dallas. I still vividly remember ignoring my heated game of APB at Balls Hamburgers on Midway/NW Highway to watch Tarp dominate the Kings in his much-ballyhooed (and, sadly, ephemeral) return to the Association in November 1994.
10. Brad Davis, 1980-1992. One of the original Mavericks. Some might say including two white PGs (does “Dancing Queen” Jason Kidd classify?) on one list would be insane. He redefined short shorts and the porn star mustache.
Dishonorable Mention: Uwe Blab, Coach Quinn Buckner, Ericka Dampier, Josh Howard, Martin Muursepp, Cherokee Parks (he went to Duke, after all), Antoine Rigaudeau (he’s French, after all), Keith Van Horn
DALLAS STARS (years played with team)
1. Mike Modano, 1993-present. The only remaining Minnesota North Star on the roster. Best American-born player in NHL history. The Stars’ Aikman.
2. Brett Hull, 1998-2001. Normally one needs to play longer in Dallas before I shower with praise. The self-proclaimed “Ambassador of Fun” and third-highest goal scorer (741) in NHL history vaults way up this list because of what he did in the third overtime on 19 June 1999. Sabre fans need to get over it already. At least you have the Bills to cheer you up . . . oh, wait. Dallas > Buffalo.
3. Ed Belfour, 1997-2002. What Hull was to the offense, Belfour was to the defense. The Eagle was the second biggest reason the Stars won the Cup ten years ago.
4. Joe Nieuwendyk, 1995-2002. This future Hall of Famer was the Conn Smythe Trophy winner in that brilliant 1999 run to the Cup. He now serves as the Stars’ hopefully prescient GM.
5. Derian Hatcher, 1993-2003. Moved south to Dallas from Minneapolis with Modano. One of the best enforcers/defensemen in franchise history. The pugnacious captain came up huge on the blue line multiple times in the playoffs, and also responsible for making the ever-mouthy Jeremy Roenick drink through a straw.
6. Brenden Morrow, 1999-present. Although injury-prone, the current captain is the undisputed leader in the room. When he is in the lineup, the Stars are a much better team.
7. Jere Lehtinen, 1995-present. Injury-prone as well, Lehts is a three-time Selke winner. A phenomenally versatile and redoubtable defensive forward.
8. Sergei Zubov, 1996-2009. Best Russian to ever don a Stars sweater. Zubie was an awe-inspiring assassin running the point during power plays.
9. Steve Ott, 2002-present. First few years in the league he was known only as a fighter. Has now developed a more well-rounded offensive arsenal (19, 27, 46 last season) to complement his blitzkrieg defense. The Otter is a poor man’s Lehtinen.
10. James Neal, 2008-present. Hasn’t even played the equivalent of a full season in the league (80 games thus far), but this 22-year-old stud is built like a tank (6-3, 206), shoots lefty, and is nearly impossible to knock off the puck. The future is very bright for Neal, which is why he already cracks the Top 10. Modano’s heir apparent.
Dishonorable Mention: Sean Avery, Matthew Barnaby, Todd Fedoruk, Mike Lalor, Roman Lyashenko, Janne Niinimaa, Tobias Stephan, Jamie Wright
TEXAS RANGERS (years played with team)
1. Steve Buechele, 1985-1991. As a child, I always felt sorry that the fans booed #22 so lustily. Only later did I find out they weren’t booing, but shortening his last name as a sign of respect. No matter. The proverbial die was cast. He was my favorite. Styled my mullet after his.
2. Nolan Ryan, 1989-1993. The Ryan Express finished out his Hall of Fame résumé in Arlington by recording his sixth and seventh no-hitters and his 5,000th strikeout. Records unlikely ever to be broken. Also “pwnd” (ask my high school students what that means) Robin Ventura in August 1993, the penultimate month of his career. Now the Rangers’ president and resident snow monkey expert.
3. Rusty Greer, 1994-2002. Played with reckless abandon which, as a result, abridged his career. Many of the most acrobatic catches in club history came courtesy of the The Red Baron.
4. Michael Young, 2000-present. Who would have ever thought that the former Blue Jay spare part (Young was traded with Darwin Cubillan to Texas for Esteban Loaiza in July 2000) would mature into one of the most indispensible Rangers? The 2009 season was basically wrecked when he went on the DL and missed the last month.
5. Pudge Rodriguez, 1991-2002, 2009. Despite the rampant steroid rumors, Pudge is by far the best catcher in franchise history (with no apologies to Geno Petralli and some apologies to Don Slaught), as well as one of the most beloved players to ever wear a Rangers uniform.
6. Ruben Sierra, 1986-1992, 2000-01, 03. Besides Pudge and Oddibe McDowell, Ruben was the only Ranger in franchise history to ever have an excellent shot to hit for the cycle in any game and/or an outside shot of winning the Triple Crown in any season. Was absolutely electrifying to watch.
7. Pete Incaviglia, 1986-1990. Inky Power was alive and well for five summers in Arlington. Perhaps the slowest base runner in franchise history (with apologies to Bill Haselman, Larry Parrish and Mickey Tettleton).
8. Ian Kinsler, 2006-present. Everything from his knee-high socks to the all-out hustle screams old school. I love it. (Although he needs to stop swinging for the fences every AB. And staying healthy would help.)
9. Neftali Feliz, 2009-present. Yes, he’s only appeared in 20 games for the Rangers. Yes, he’s only 21 years old. But he’s the undeniable future for this club. Much like Neal for the Stars, Feliz is the Rangers’ cornerstone. (Pitching wins the WS.) Feliz Navidad indeed.
10. Roger Pavlik, 1992-98. Perhaps the most misunderstood and most unfairly maligned Ranger in history (I’m talking to you, Bryan), Pavlik richly deserved his All-Star appearance in 1996 (although some argue that fellow Ranger Kevin “Little Big League” Elster should have earned the invite). A truly blessed way to celebrate my final summer of freedom after graduating from St. Mark’s and before leaving for Davidson College.
Dishonorable Mention: Mark Clark, John “Empty Golf Shirt” Hart and his enabler Tom Hicks, Chad Kreuter, Ruben Mateo, Laynce Nix, Chan Ho Park, Sammy Sosa (even W. can make mistakes), Mark “Traitor” Teixeira
Here ends the lesson. And all of God’s people say . . . “Amen!”
***Happy 30th birthday, Andrew!!***
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